Thursday, December 4, 2008

Germans Hate Saved By The Bell

by Kevin Tor

This chapter should really be split into two separate chapters but I feel together they paint a fuller picture of why Germany and Saved By The Bell will never exchange gifts at the holidays.*

Considered to be the straw that broke the German camel’s back, there was an episode in which Slater’s former army girlfriend, Jennifer, becomes a student at Bayside. In this episode, Slater and Jennifer reminisce about the time they went to the movies when their families were both stationed in Germany. They recall fondly their times at a certain theater. Only those close to the show know that the name used in the aired episode was not the original name of the theater. The scene had to be reshot after test screenings (full of Germans) revealed offense was taken when Slater mentioned going to see movies at the Every-German’s-A-Naziplex. Though writers offered to change it to Most-Germans-Are-Nazisplex as a compromise, Germans were still not satisfied. After lengthy court battles, it was changed to the ear-grating Berlinaplex.

The other reason Germans hate Saved By The Bell was the show picking Dennis Haskins over David Hasselhoff for the role of Mr. Belding. Hasselhoff hit a down point in his acting career after Knight Rider ended. His audition for the Indiana middle school principal went well enough. He displayed the right amount of authority but lacked the understanding found in most school administrators. Also, he banged Hayley Mills and acted like he didn’t even know her the next day. While it may not be appropriate to Hassel the Hoff, you should never Dismiss the Bliss.

*Ignoring the fact that they are not people capable of exchanging gifts.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Lesser Known Fact #1

by Sue Funke

Lisa Turtle’s character was originally supposed to want to be a mime when she grew up, but then it was Lark Voorhies herself that said, “I wanna just be into stripes, like, the fashion of stripes.”

And fashionista Lisa Turtle was born.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Lisa Fertile

by Kevin Tor

It seemed like the back door of Planned Parenthood was revolving for Lark Voorhies. When Voorhies showed up for her fourth procedure, she was in a jocular mood. "Do you guys have a punch card? Maybe I can get a morning after pill free," she said as she got on the table.

That was typical Voorhies. She loved to have sex and took the consequences of that love in stride. On this occasion, Voorhies was taking care of the results of an evening with Cylk Cozart, who played Lieutenant Adams in the episode where Zack learned leadership with the Cadet Corps. Things got heavy between the two after some playful post-shoot, pugil stick fighting. Cozart knocked her down and won the match. As he helped her up off the ground, he cornily said, "Sorry you lost but I like how you handle a stick" and then flashed that bright smile of his. Voorhies returned with "I usually never lose when I handle a stick" and seductively walked away.

The two adjourned to Voorhies' trailer where Lisa put on clothes from the Kelly Kapowski wardrobe closet. She wore the much sexier Kelly clothes for the guys she really liked. Screaming led to yelling led to crying led to moaning led to a little SBTB miracle. There were potential babies before and potential babies after but this one is memorable because it's the only one that could pinned on  a particular guy with absolute certainty.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Dustin Diamond Addicted To Doritos

by Mo Diggs

In Season 2, Episode 9 of Saved By The Bell, entitled Jessie's Song, Jessie (Elizabeth Berkley) develops a seemingly unshakable addiction to caffeine pills. Screech (Dustin Diamond(, the Brillo-headed comic relief, makes an off-handed comment of being addicted to Doritos. Beneath the tip of that glacier were endless reserves of pain and struggle: Dustin Diamond was indeed indulging in Dorito binges backstage, living the life of yet another child star cliche.

During a break from shooting the first episode of Saved By The Bell, Diamond heard Casey Kasem giggling in the bathroom with Lark Voorhies. When an increasingly jealous Diamond swung open the bathroom stall door, he reportedly saw Kasem snorting Dorito powder off Voorhies' supple cafe au lait breasts. Thus the downward spiral began.

Mario Lopez was the first to notice Diamond's increasingly erratic behavior on the set. "D-Rock was showing up late to work," Lopez recalls. "When he did show up, I noticed him dipping a tiny spoon into a 99 cent Cool Ranch Doritos bag and snorting off the spoon." Diamond surprised everyone-even Voorhies-when he tried to legally change his name to Dorito Dustin' Diamond.

His voracious appetite continued well after The Bell was off the air. In 2007, he decided to get help by joining Celebrity Fit Club. Using an experimental Dorito anti-addictive called cocaine, he kicked the habit. Now Dustin Diamond is back in the spotlight as a world-class asshole-all because he brought his addiction to a screech-ing halt after realizing life was as precious as a diamond.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Turding: The Sex Tape

By Kevin Tor

The incident occurred after the episode where Zack requires knee surgery from stepping on Mr. Belding during a pre-championship basketball game pep talk. Throughout the day's shoot, Dennis Haskins was ogling Lark Voorhies in her candy striper costume. It was making the cast and crew uncomfortable. Director Dennis Erdman took Haskins aside and asked him about it. He denied the ogling but everyone knew. Haskins had a history of that kind of fever.

Later that night, Mario Lopez returned to the set. He left his keys in the Cavaricci's worn by Slater during the episode. As Lopez approached the wardrobe rack where the Slater pants hung, he heard moaning coming from one of the hospital rooms. Then he heard Haskins yell "I'm going to hide my head in your Turtle shell." Going in for a closer look, Lopez saw Haskins with his pants down having sex with a black woman wearing a candy striper outfit. The curtain concealed the woman's face but Lopez heard Haskins say, "Turtle." Lopez, easily disgusted, mumbled, "Oh, Dennis. With Lark? How could you?" Then, Lopez noticed the video camera with the red light on. "And you're taping it," he sighed.

Just then, Lark Voorhies walked up next to Lopez. "Who's taping what?" Voorhies inquired. Lopez, more confused, pointed towards the room and Voorhies' eyes followed. "Once you go Haskins, you never go Back-skins," Haskins yelled as he pumped away. Voorhees looked on with horrified fascination. 

Wanting to find out who it was, Lopez took a playful approach. "Hey. Hey. Hey. What is going on here?" he yelled, mimicking Belding's trademark catch phrase. Startled, Haskins pulled out and fumbled with his pants. The woman hid behind the curtain with a shriek. "Mario, what are you doing here?" Haskins asked. "I forgot my keys. What, or might I say, who are you doing? said Lopez. Haskins, realizing he was caught, invited the woman out from behind the curtain. 

The woman getting slammed from behind by Dennis Haskins was Susan Beaubian, the woman who played Lisa's mom, or Dr. Turtle. The footage of this circulated around the internet for some time under the title "Ass Paved By The Bell-ding." Up until this entry, all viewers of said tape believed it to be Dennis Haskins and Lark Voorhies but I'm here to set the record straight: Dennis Haskins did not have video-taped sex with Lark Voorhies. It was Susan Beaubian, the woman who played Mrs. Nordberg in the first "Naked Gun" movie.

Friday, August 8, 2008

The Two Zacks

by Kevin Tor

It was the day of filming on the episode where Zack gets bid on at the date auction but the auction winner wasn't who he thought it would be. I think the title was "Zack Learns To Accept Fatties." But that's beside the point. The morning got off to a bad start. The woman responsible for creating the blonde bike helmet known as Zack's hair was late and Mark-Paul Gosselaar's roots were showing. If that weren't enough, the first larger actress that showed up had a brain and realized how offensive the script was causing the casting director to find a last-minute replacement.

When they tried to get the woman that cuts all the sleeves off Mario Lopez’s shirts to do Gosselaar’s hair, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Gosselaar quit the show stating, “I can’t work under these conditions” and stormed off the set. Unlike finding another fat girl that wouldn’t make the viewers change the channel in disgust, finding another Zack was easy. The producers were aware of Gosselaar’s flight risk and had a Plan B. What you are about to read has been kept a secret for seventeen years:

This episode and the rest of Season Three featured Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s twin brother, Paul-Mark Gosselaar, in the role of Zack. All employees and cast members affiliated with the show were forced to sign a confidentiality agreement.

Paul-Mark Gosselaar was not as good looking as Mark-Paul. He had a scar under his right eye which led to many scenes with Zack in sunglasses. He was amazing at air guitar leading the writers to make the episode featuring the Zack Attack. He got along with the cast and he never caused the kinds of problems Mark-Paul did. Unfortunately, shortly after filming completed on the Murder Mystery Weekend episode, Paul-Mark drove off the lot and never made it home. He died in an auto accident.

The studio was stuck. The other twin, Goss-Paul Markelaar, was mentally retarded and would never fool the astute audience. They went back to Mark-Paul with a huge contract. He agreed and finished off Zack’s senior year.

No one knows if Mark-Paul had anything to do with Paul-Mark’s death. No one knows if it was Goss-Paul, either. He had been known to hang out under cars with a pair of wire snips to pass the day. In the end, there just wasn’t enough left of the car to do an investigation and the parents wanted to get on with their lives.

A bit of trivia: During Season Four, one of the trophies in the Bayside Trophy Case was the urn containing Paul-Mark’s ashes.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Ah, Dirty Outtakes

By Sue Funke

Did you think the Saved By the Bell cast were all pure as the driven snow? Not true. I mean, look at this video where all the f*ckin' cussing has been bleeped out. Poddy mouths, every last one of them.

About the author:
Sue Funke is a talented writer and comedian. She writes the awesome blog I Love TV More Than You. Check it out.