Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Dewey Defeats Silver

By Kevin Tor

Everyone knows the episode where Jessie takes the caffeine pills to handle all of the pressures of high school.

What people don’t know is that after shooting wrapped, the cast party got out of hand. Dennis Haskins left the set early because he was coming down with a cold and wanted to get some sleep. That left all six members of the main cast plus Patrick Thomas O’Brien (the brilliantly, unexcitable Mr. Dewey). The boys were downing Budweisers. The drink of choice for the girls that night was sex on the beach. The girls were on the hard stuff because they were trying to get the stupid Hot Sundaes song out of their head. It must have played over a hundred times on set that day.

One thing about skinny teenagers drinking - it doesn’t take much. Three drinks in, Lark Voorhies started yelling, “Everyone comes up to me and says it’s so refreshing that they have a black girl on that show. Yeah, real refreshing. I’m sure Rosa Parks would be real proud that I’m dancing on the fucking furthest back trampoline. I’m hotter than those skinny-ass, white girls.” Tiffani-Amber Thiessen took offense and claimed her body was hotter than Lark’s.

The two sloshed teenagers went to the table where the guys were playing poker. Tiffani asked who’s hotter, her or Lark. In what must have been the shortest beauty pageant in history, the guys declared Lark the winner. Tiffani, upset, demanded a recount and offered to show her chest. Immediately, O’Brien blurted out, “I’d get more of a handful from Screech. No thanks.” This caused a roar to come from the table and high fives were exchanged.

Dustin Diamond yelled out, “For the last time, that’s not my name.”

To which Mario Lopez replied, “Shut up, ass. Why don’t you keep writing in your notebook so you can remember how we never let you take part in the fun.”

Tiffani ran off crying and called her boyfriend, Brian Austin Green. Twenty minutes later, Green showed up raging mad, calling for O’Brien’s head. O’Brien said, “You don’t want none of this. Go back to 90210.” But Green was persistent and O’Brien got up from his chair. The two circled each other. Green swung first and O’Brien dodged. He countered with a punch to Green’s midsection that knocked the wind out of him. He followed that up with an uppercut to the chin that put Green on the ground. Green was unconscious and O’Brien went back to his seat and continued dealing the cards.

Like I said, everyone knows the “Jessie’s Song” episode but now you know what happened after.