In Season 2, Episode 9 of Saved By The Bell, entitled Jessie's Song, Jessie (Elizabeth Berkley) develops a seemingly unshakable addiction to caffeine pills. Screech (Dustin Diamond(, the Brillo-headed comic relief, makes an off-handed comment of being addicted to Doritos. Beneath the tip of that glacier were endless reserves of pain and struggle: Dustin Diamond was indeed indulging in Dorito binges backstage, living the life of yet another child star cliche.
During a break from shooting the first episode of Saved By The Bell, Diamond heard Casey Kasem giggling in the bathroom with Lark Voorhies. When an increasingly jealous Diamond swung open the bathroom stall door, he reportedly saw Kasem snorting Dorito powder off Voorhies' supple cafe au lait breasts. Thus the downward spiral began.
Mario Lopez was the first to notice Diamond's increasingly erratic behavior on the set. "D-Rock was showing up late to work," Lopez recalls. "When he did show up, I noticed him dipping a tiny spoon into a 99 cent Cool Ranch Doritos bag and snorting off the spoon." Diamond surprised everyone-even Voorhies-when he tried to legally change his name to Dorito Dustin' Diamond.
His voracious appetite continued well after The Bell was off the air. In 2007, he decided to get help by joining Celebrity Fit Club. Using an experimental Dorito anti-addictive called cocaine, he kicked the habit. Now Dustin Diamond is back in the spotlight as a world-class asshole-all because he brought his addiction to a screech-ing halt after realizing life was as precious as a diamond.
The incident occurred after the episode where Zack requires knee surgery from stepping on Mr. Belding during a pre-championship basketball game pep talk. Throughout the day's shoot, Dennis Haskins was ogling Lark Voorhies in her candy striper costume. It was making the cast and crew uncomfortable. Director Dennis Erdman took Haskins aside and asked him about it. He denied the ogling but everyone knew. Haskins had a history of that kind of fever.
Later that night, Mario Lopez returned to the set. He left his keys in the Cavaricci's worn by Slater during the episode. As Lopez approached the wardrobe rack where the Slater pants hung, he heard moaning coming from one of the hospital rooms. Then he heard Haskins yell "I'm going to hide my head in your Turtle shell." Going in for a closer look, Lopez saw Haskins with his pants down having sex with a black woman wearing a candy striper outfit. The curtain concealed the woman's face but Lopez heard Haskins say, "Turtle." Lopez, easily disgusted, mumbled, "Oh, Dennis. With Lark? How could you?" Then, Lopez noticed the video camera with the red light on. "And you're taping it," he sighed.
Just then, Lark Voorhies walked up next to Lopez. "Who's taping what?" Voorhies inquired. Lopez, more confused, pointed towards the room and Voorhies' eyes followed. "Once you go Haskins, you never go Back-skins," Haskins yelled as he pumped away. Voorhees looked on with horrified fascination.
Wanting to find out who it was, Lopez took a playful approach. "Hey. Hey. Hey. What is going on here?" he yelled, mimicking Belding's trademark catch phrase. Startled, Haskins pulled out and fumbled with his pants. The woman hid behind the curtain with a shriek. "Mario, what are you doing here?" Haskins asked. "I forgot my keys. What, or might I say, who are you doing? said Lopez. Haskins, realizing he was caught, invited the woman out from behind the curtain.
The woman getting slammed from behind by Dennis Haskins was Susan Beaubian, the woman who played Lisa's mom, or Dr. Turtle. The footage of this circulated around the internet for some time under the title "Ass Paved By The Bell-ding." Up until this entry, all viewers of said tape believed it to be Dennis Haskins and Lark Voorhies but I'm here to set the record straight: Dennis Haskins did not have video-taped sex with Lark Voorhies. It was Susan Beaubian, the woman who played Mrs. Nordberg in the first "Naked Gun" movie.
It was the day of filming on the episode where Zack gets bid on at the date auction but the auction winner wasn't who he thought it would be. I think the title was "Zack Learns To Accept Fatties." But that's beside the point. The morning got off to a bad start. The woman responsible for creating the blonde bike helmet known as Zack's hair was late and Mark-Paul Gosselaar's roots were showing. If that weren't enough, the first larger actress that showed up had a brain and realized how offensive the script was causing the casting director to find a last-minute replacement.
When they tried to get the woman that cuts all the sleeves off Mario Lopez’s shirts to do Gosselaar’s hair, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Gosselaar quit the show stating, “I can’t work under these conditions” and stormed off the set. Unlike finding another fat girl that wouldn’t make the viewers change the channel in disgust, finding another Zack was easy. The producers were aware of Gosselaar’s flight risk and had a Plan B. What you are about to read has been kept a secret for seventeen years:
This episode and the rest of Season Three featured Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s twin brother, Paul-Mark Gosselaar, in the role of Zack. All employees and cast members affiliated with the show were forced to sign a confidentiality agreement.
Paul-Mark Gosselaar was not as good looking as Mark-Paul. He had a scar under his right eye which led to many scenes with Zack in sunglasses. He was amazing at air guitar leading the writers to make the episode featuring the Zack Attack. He got along with the cast and he never caused the kinds of problems Mark-Paul did. Unfortunately, shortly after filming completed on the Murder Mystery Weekend episode, Paul-Mark drove off the lot and never made it home. He died in an auto accident.
The studio was stuck. The other twin, Goss-Paul Markelaar, was mentally retarded and would never fool the astute audience. They went back to Mark-Paul with a huge contract. He agreed and finished off Zack’s senior year.
No one knows if Mark-Paul had anything to do with Paul-Mark’s death. No one knows if it was Goss-Paul, either. He had been known to hang out under cars with a pair of wire snips to pass the day. In the end, there just wasn’t enough left of the car to do an investigation and the parents wanted to get on with their lives.
A bit of trivia: During Season Four, one of the trophies in the Bayside Trophy Case was the urn containing Paul-Mark’s ashes.
Did you think the Saved By the Bell cast were all pure as the driven snow? Not true. I mean, look at this video where all the f*ckin' cussing has been bleeped out. Poddy mouths, every last one of them.
About the author: Sue Funke is a talented writer and comedian. She writes the awesome blog I Love TV More Than You. Check it out.
Everyone knows the episode where Jessie takes the caffeine pills to handle all of the pressures of high school.
What people don’t know is that after shooting wrapped, the cast party got out of hand. Dennis Haskins left the set early because he was coming down with a cold and wanted to get some sleep. That left all six members of the main cast plus Patrick Thomas O’Brien (the brilliantly, unexcitable Mr. Dewey). The boys were downing Budweisers. The drink of choice for the girls that night was sex on the beach. The girls were on the hard stuff because they were trying to get the stupid Hot Sundaes song out of their head. It must have played over a hundred times on set that day.
One thing about skinny teenagers drinking - it doesn’t take much. Three drinks in, Lark Voorhies started yelling, “Everyone comes up to me and says it’s so refreshing that they have a black girl on that show. Yeah, real refreshing. I’m sure Rosa Parks would be real proud that I’m dancing on the fucking furthest back trampoline. I’m hotter than those skinny-ass, white girls.” Tiffani-Amber Thiessen took offense and claimed her body was hotter than Lark’s.
The two sloshed teenagers went to the table where the guys were playing poker. Tiffani asked who’s hotter, her or Lark. In what must have been the shortest beauty pageant in history, the guys declared Lark the winner. Tiffani, upset, demanded a recount and offered to show her chest. Immediately, O’Brien blurted out, “I’d get more of a handful from Screech. No thanks.” This caused a roar to come from the table and high fives were exchanged.
Dustin Diamond yelled out, “For the last time, that’s not my name.”
To which Mario Lopez replied, “Shut up, ass. Why don’t you keep writing in your notebook so you can remember how we never let you take part in the fun.”
Tiffani ran off crying and called her boyfriend, Brian Austin Green. Twenty minutes later, Green showed up raging mad, calling for O’Brien’s head. O’Brien said, “You don’t want none of this. Go back to 90210.” But Green was persistent and O’Brien got up from his chair. The two circled each other. Green swung first and O’Brien dodged. He countered with a punch to Green’s midsection that knocked the wind out of him. He followed that up with an uppercut to the chin that put Green on the ground. Green was unconscious and O’Brien went back to his seat and continued dealing the cards.
Like I said, everyone knows the “Jessie’s Song” episode but now you know what happened after.
Contained within are stories written by some of my favorite comedians and myself about the behind the scenes world of Saved By The Bell. If Dustin Diamond can do it, why can't we?
Our Promise:
Stories that are horrible and made up but definitely less slanderous than anything Screech is putting out there.
